Everything that I would like to say, but I could not

Hello dear,

I had to make a decision last Sunday. Unfortunately, this decision was a break up. Every month we had having this kind of discussion. I really tried to find some solution for us, all the time, but it was only me trying something, however you were also saying me that you love me and stay with me, but your actions were not like it.

I guess I am polite enough, but I really would like to say ‘fuck you’, look what I am, why I should be with you if you are treating me like that? I really deserve something better. You are been a such teenager. Grow up! Be an adult and relay in your responsabilies. Stop taking care of what people think about you, sorry, because there are more than 7billions people in the world and I am sure 90% of them will not like you and others you are against even looking at them. Besides it, wtf are you creating personalities? where is your essence, yourself? Meeting people to experiment? When did human being become labor’s mouses? (even it should not happen). I really want to be happy, full happy. I really had a lot of happiness, but why should I submit myself in another unhealthy relationship? and please, stop saying you love me, if you really do, then do it, not do that shits.

I also was an idiot girl to believe in truly love with you, however you said in the beginning that you don’t want any commitment, but it was 10 months ago. Both of us were weak persons that time, a lot of things changed, our feelings got strong. I believed that we could have something, actually you always gave me some hope about it, but in the end you were just, maybe, using me, because I am beautiful, gorgeous, cute, successful, smart, great salary, great job, great in sex, for what from you, just small works that you were saying that you love me. Yes, you loved me, loved me with second thoughts. You know that you are losing to much that I am leaving you, but I am still a very idiot girl to believe that you could be with me, because I really loved you. Love you more than I should.
If someone read it, ofc they will think that I am a weak girl to accept all that, but they really don’t know all the story behind us and me. And even I am been it, I still love you and still here for you, but sometimes love is not enough.

Good bye.
Heart broken

I regret my last decision

I had made a decision 3 weeks ago, but I changed for give you a second chance, but what is the deal to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me?

I will not say sorry of my feelings, but since January/March it’s a long time that we both changed and improved a lot. Even feelings that we didn’t have before, somehow we got loving each other.

You use say that I am cute, nice and kind like a ‘dream girl’, but what is the point been it but undervalued? Besides that, you also always say you are afraid to be commited (I understand) and we met in the wrong time of your life. YES, it could be, but it also could be a wrong time for you not be really with me.

Life is a choice, you chose freedom and I chose be really loved.

PS.: My butterflies died.

Welcome butterflies

– Vocês viram as borboletas ontem à noite?
– Não, não vimos nada. Tem certeza? Borboletas? Ontem à noite? Já, tão cedo?
– Pois é…
– Ah, nosso menino crescido… Chegou a hora.

(Alfredo e seus pais no livro Um milhão de borboletas)

Feeling the butterflies in the stomach by someone is one of the rare and very powerful experiences that life gives us. It’s not about “finding it cute” and feeling physical attraction, having affinities and fellowship, it is something more: it is to see the world transform and lose ground in the face of the emotion of being close, is to feel that in a touch of skin, electricity from one pass to the other, into an energetic current that feeds both.

Do you remember the last time when you had this feeling?

I am just having my moment right now before going to sleep. Butterflies of love, peaceful, happiness and like everything is going very great. Besides me getting so much more self-confidence (I told you that I was really working hard on it), you babe, it’s a little responsible for this feeling too. I would say my next wish for us, it will be a real relationship, where there is just us and nothing else. I can wait for this moment a bit more. I am not telling you about marriage or these life’s steps, but for the time that we will be together, deeply on it.

I want you to feel comfortable and pleasure to be with me, when you don’t need to think more about meet random girls, or you are losing a competition with your friends, afraid of your insecurities. I will be there for all these moments. I will not run away from you, if we will be committed, we will have a deal, moments to share and a life to live. Each one will have their life too, friends, privacy, but we will know we will be there for us.

I don’t agree to be in love is painful, I don’t like this thought. For me, love is a complement, addition of who I am, who you are and all our sharing. I know you can read it (if you have been reading my blog) and feel a little bit scared of my feelings, please don’t worries I will not pressure you for anything that you don’t want or we don’t talk about it before. We both know what we want and how we want to live our life, but from now, we have a small deal, let’s try it and make it be a big deal in a future.

I will try to put my butterflies to sleep this night, however they are very very happy for all these recent moments. Just remember, don’t let this burtterflies dye, they are not more caterpillar in my heart. Butterflies are very delicate, my feelings too, once they die, it will be not more possible to revive them again.

I love you babe, I love you Sami. <3

That day is here

In another post, I said that day will arrive when I will break up with you.

This day is here, but a little bit different from what I planned. Actually I am giving you another chance, because recently you showed me, how good you are. Since some days before my birthday, you were there. I was really amazed by your gift. The time when you travelled and when I arrived there. it was the most incredible in my life. Somehow, ok there is a huge culture issue here, but I feel closer to you and your family.

I mean all these great times will not change what you are exactly, but I know you can be more than that. I will not expect you for change, really no, but if you want to be with me, it’s me. I really know what I want and what can hurts me. I really don’t like at all your Tinder stuffs. Actually, I will try to talk to you about it, speciall because recently you also offended me deeply, but as you know, I can handle it and special now when I am feeling very self-confidence. So, it’s not like you deserved this another chance, but I like to be with you and you proved me you also like me. Besides Tinder, I know you hide things from me, you are meeting a lot of people and all these things that most of the people could consider as a cheating. I will be patient just more once, because I know I am a very pretty girl, sociable, cute, nice, hot (yes), so easily I can find someone else. No, this is not a bet or something like that. It’s just because I growd up and no more sad moments of end of loves.

I don’t know if you will read it one day or not, but for sure you will know it, because I will talk to you about all these things, but I can say you one thing right now, I do love you so much, but don’t hurt me again, I am not more a pitty girl.

Sorry. I don’t love you anymore.

We have been together for almost one year, or let’s say 3 or 4 months closer, but never in a real relationship.
We started it when I was in a very depression situation and you in a very freedom way of life.
During all this time, we lived a lot of emotional and intensive moments. I really could say some of them were the best in my life. I was learning too much with you every day, how to improve myself, increase my self esteem and self confidence. So yeah, I did it.
During this same time, we also had a lot discution and argues, we both were trying to show our point of view of each situation, and almost broke up too, but we somehow wanted to be together, then we tried to find some solution, besides that I was afraid to lose you, however you have a way to live your life that I didn’t agree so much, but we were there.
Recently, I had a very strong and difficult anxious time, special about insecurity, over attachment, overthinking. I know it’s not good for both of us. and then one day you told “I don’t have more feelings for you”. Wait?? Why should I stay with someone that doesn’t more feelings for me? Since that day, I started to think a lot a lot about us and what I want for me.

This day is almost arriving

This day will be when I will say with you bye. It’s over.

We already were cleary enough, you know what I want and I know what you want. Special because I am tired about what you have been doing. I really know what you do. We have discussed about it a lot of times, you always say the same and for me it’s always to improve myself, but what about you?

I know all the games you are playing, your attitudes, special because you do them almost in my front, imagine in my back, but you think you are hidden them. Sorry but this is the worst thing you can do.

I will not complain more about them, because I really get tired of it. You are always saying that you care about me, but it’s not true. You are hurtting me more than I am feeling loved with you. I will not say anything more until that day.

You want freedom, me too. A freedom to find someone or just enjoy my life when someone says ‘take care’ and really do it.

I really got in deep love with you, even sick I am able to do whatever I want. I will never give you execuses, because for you, as a love, you always have a priority, not more than me, but for things that I could move with my hands. I will do an effort for it, it will not matter about what.

All these times, we had a lot of amazing moments, I could be the best of myself. You did teach me a lot of things, I am super thank you for it. The most important thing, I found myself and I was able to love again. Love you.

This will happen soon, because the only things that I want are respect, honesty and be loved, no more love and benefits for you. Maybe for a miracle this will not happen, but do you believe in miracle? I don’t.

Or all of it was just a feeling that I was having, but I will remember all of them.

Loving the best friend

Em um domingo de manhã, quando acorda, tenta se expreguiçar e percebe que não está só. No primeiro momento fica se perguntando como pararam ali, como chegou em casa e o que aconteceu na noite passada. A noite foi de muita diversão, muitos amigos, sorrisos, dança, paqueras, aquela música favorita que tocou.

Então olhando para o lado novamente percebe que aquele pessoa está ali a tanto tempo, te conhece tão bem, sabe das suas manias e não se importa,